Aside

Was your Valentine’s day not all you expected? Did the man of your dreams turn out to be a two timin’ sonofa or closet Steven Crowder?  Or, even more common in these shameless modern times, did he ditch you for some broad with a thirty thousand pound dowry or fail to mention the mentally ill wife locked in his attic till you were on the point of saying “I do”?

Here, without further ado, is a breakup playlist inspired by the different* ways some of our favorite romantic heroines, broadly defined, handled heartbreak, split-ups, and rotten lovers..

Feel free, of course, to add your own.

Marianne Dashwood 

Honorable mention

Elinor Dashwood

Because, although she does not exactly tell Edward she should have changed that stupid lock, she should have made him leave his key, etc, she is a survivor if anyone is.

Honorable mention

Miss Havisham

Honorable mention

Jane Eyre, re Rochester

Honorable mention

Jane Eyre re St. John Rivers

Dido, Queen of Cathage

Honorable mention

Anne Elliot

Scarlett O’Hara

Cathy Earnshaw

Honorable mention, because I had to

Fanny Price re Henry Crawford

Ellen Olenska re Newland Archer

Ellen Olenska re Count Olenski

Tess Durbeyfield re Angel Clare

Medea

Jo March re Laurie

Maggie Tulliver re Philip, Stephen, dry land, life.

*Of course, there’s different and there’s….different

The Bookish Bear it Away

Flannery O’Connor, cartoonist

Texts from Jane

Edith Wharton vs. Jonathan Franzen

And we realize that this song is best enjoyed on  rainy days after school whilst dancing around one’s room still clad in plaid kilt and saddle shoes (not that we have ever done that), and that posting it at the height of hot bright summer represents the kind of gross disregard for taste and propriety that gets one black-balled from all the best cat-lady and peacock-lady clubs;  but we cleverly decided to use the royal we and are thus rendered immune to criticism.

Sorry, suckers.