How To Elegantly Request the Cheapest Wine in the Store

“A sort of opiate of the masses, as it were.”


“A pared down, minimalist wine. In every possible particular.”


“Earthy. Very earthy.”


“Harsh, bracing; like a loan officer’s third call of the day.”


“A sort of rustic feel, do you know what I mean?”


“One tires, does one not, of the mad rush for chic and the modish? One craves simplicity. Ah yes, simplicity.”


“Something with the air, musk,

the je ne sais quoi of a dirt cheap motel room.”


“Can you recommend a good pairing with Velveeta?”


“No? Perhaps Ramen?”




“Infused with the melancholy of an abandoned steel-town”


“The rising tide of the global proletariat, but in a bottle”


“A recently cast-off mistress’ drink”


“Heady base notes, just a soupçon of goat farmer”


“A daring, cubist take on wine. Yes, that’s– yes, you could also just call it boxed.”


“Off the beaten path. Lying in the ditch next to it.”


“Normcore, for  alcohol.”


“Wine fit for a king. Specifically, Oedipus, post-Jocasta.”


“A free spirited wine. A wine that’s ‘figuring it out’ in a Peruvian hostel right now.”


“A Loretta Lynn song, but with tannins.”


“The sort of wine that belongs in a fairy-tale. Like, oh, say, The Little Match Girl.”


“A buoyant–dare I say–populist wine.”


“I like to unwind with a glass of wine and a good book. Right now I’m reading Oliver Twist and Sister Carrie.”


“Something to drink while playing a few jazz records, or, alternatively, burning all your bills.”


“Not too aggressive a flavor profile–a wine that perhaps avoids its landlady from time time.”


“Something that voted for Syriza.”




One thought on “How To Elegantly Request the Cheapest Wine in the Store

  1. “I think what you’re looking for is this cru bourgeois comme ci comme ça”

    “This one was rated”

    “Sounds like you’ve accustomed yourself to flabby wines. This one is like drinking the midpoint between Paula Deen’s armpit and elbow”

    “Have you tried Second Bottle wines? They come short a glass and already taste like they’ve been open for eight days.”

    “No, I don’t think we have any Rhones at that price point. We do have a few bottles of Ronin wine–loosely inspired by the movie. You like movies?”

    “Something woody…hmmm…here we go. This one has distinct cedar notes. You just need to stand it up for a while before you open it so the shavings can settle.”

    “Maybe it was made for bachelorette parties? I don’t know. But I assure you the shape of the bottle has nothing to do with how the wine does or does not taste.”

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