Acceptable Valentine’s Day Gifts for Every Price Point

A restored villa.


A racehorse.


A manageably small duchy.


The Kohinoor.


A barrel of rendered duck-fat.


A garden full of night blooming Jasmine.


A military coup installing your beloved as Queen of America.


A wine cellar.


The crown jewels, reset more tastefully.


The Salmon of Knowledge.


Armfuls of hermione and hellebore.


A tall ship.


A bottle of Laphroaig for every year since you’ve met.


Gem encrusted lingerie.


A dress made of dragon skin

(NB you need not have slain the beast yourself.)


The heads of men who have wronged her–your own if pertinent.


A personal smithy.




A cloak of invisibility and/or chinchilla fur.


A palanquin.


A nightgown spun from spiderwebs.


A bevy of swans

(NB extra points if some were once children)


Sole rights re release, purchase, and suppression of the Hobbit movies.


An auto da fe.


Stolen artwork.


The College of Cardinals.


A pillbox hat for every day since you’ve met.


A papal tiara

(NB not the papacy, just the tiara)


A James Bond movie wherein he does laundry for and changes the diapers of all the children he has realistically fathered.


A manservant.


This dress


An early 15th century illuminated book of hours


A lighthouse.


A Greek chorus.


World peace, so she has a fresh canvas on which to work.


An unscrupulous canon lawyer on retainer.


A silmaril.


Three silmarils.


An ice palace.


A forest of silver birches.


A haunted mansion

(NB do not waste your time on those basic ghost free mansions)


An epic poem. Like the Aeneid, but better, because starring her.


A farm. Not the kind that involves work.


A fencing tourney in her honor. Fifty men enter. None survive.




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