1. The Reformed Magdalene
She’s glamorous in an 80s kind of way, all big, blown out blonde hair and red skirt suit. She may or may not hold a beauty pageant title. She tells a tale of woe that would make the ancient mariner sit up straight and reach for the popcorn.
The years of wild, casual, anonymous sex! The shadowy and circumspectly hinted-at drug orgies! The abortions! The venereal infections!The cocktail of pathologies, possibly including but not limited to, eating disorders, nervous breakdowns, alcoholism, drug addictions, suicide attempts. Empathy is discouraged by the form: she’s not there for suffering-with, but for devouring.
Then, the cathartic rehabilitation, spurred by the realization that all that time, through all those one-night stands, she was really looking for love. Renewed virginity ensues, possibly with concomitant and dramatic lifestyle changes. The chastened Magdalene now dresses modestly, respects herself, and travels the country, warning young girls before it is too late.
Takeaway: 1) Nobody wants a damaged woman, so keep it in your pants
2) Who needs sex when you can glut yourself on the titillating details of the wages of female promiscuity?
2. The Madeleine Bassett
She’s willowy and droopy and delicate-featured, and sports either a cardigan or an Anthropologie-ish maxi dress. Her voice is soft and gentle, her affect so sweet that you want to cradle her in your arms and shield her from the harsh, cruel, Bambi’s-mother-killing world.
Her dulcet tones are so pleasant that for a while, you try to follow the thread of her thought. Women are God’s crowning glory, the eternal feminine genius that will civilize mankind. You are beautiful, inside and out out, each and every one of you; your beauty has the power to change the world, which is why you must never wear bikinis. Purity is the sweet gift a chivalrous knight offers at the altar of his lady-love. Write a love-letter to your future husband every night. Men want sex, women want love. Chastity is looking deeply into eyes of your beloved and finding in them a closeness deeper than any physical touch. Intimacy means into-me-see.
At some point she will decide to take on abusive relationships, and for a brief moment, attempt a sassy real-talk mode.
“Girlfriend, the first time you’re victim, the second time you’re a volunteer!”
Takeaway: Have you ever thought that the stars are really a celestial promise ring?
3. The Social Scientist
This one’s all business, all clicky heels and angular pantsuit. She’s got power point slides, and those slides have graphs, and those graphs have footnotes. No ideological agenda here; just the pure unadulterated findings of science.
- Women in bikinis light up the same areas of the brain in men as a McDonald’s hamburger. Women in one-pieces light up the same area of the brain as the more delicious and expensive Burger King hamburger.
- Men are visual, women are emotional.
- Men are physical, women are emotional.
- Men are Dasein, women are Sein-zum-Tode
- The world’s resources of non-renewable oxytocin are being rapidly depleted due to a combination industrial-capitalist environmental exploitation and women giving it up too quickly
She really hits her stride in the economic-of-sex segment. The pill has cheapened women, she explains; true feminine dignity and empowerment lies in ladies’ reclamation of their market value.
Her eyes glitter as she croons to to her audience
“You have to understand, this isn’t about values, it’s just basic economics. Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Markets R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn.”
Takeaway: men are monsters incapable of relating to humans; they should probably be killed.
4. The Claude Frollo
He’s between 21 and 40, and is clean cut, clean shaven. He wears an untucked button-down and possibly a leather bracelet. And he’s there to give 100 sixteen year old girls the sobering, uncensored look into a man’s mind that they need.
What follows is a condensed list of everything that has ever given the speaker a boner. At some point he segues into a discussion of how unfair it is that he has to abide by statutory rape laws when underage girls walk around with writing on the seats of their sweatpants. A moderator nervously breaks in and announces the premature beginning of small-group discussion time.
Takeaway: please God don’t ever let me be alone in a room with him ever.
5. The Affianced
This one is much like the Madeleine Bassett, except that she’s six weeks away from her wedding. The joys, the glories, the boundless ecstasies of married sex receive their full due. She’s so happy she saved herself, she says, because she can only imagine what her wedding night is going to be like.
We can just imagine it too.
Takeaway: This was the best chastity talk ever, also where can I go to confession.