A Troll on OkCupid


And on the first day, she created her profile, and it was good.

My Self Summary:

I am a deathless immortal, born from the sea, radiant as the sun.

What I’m Doing With My Life

Like the ungovernable waves from whence I rose, I give life and take it, as is my fancy.

I glory, and move from triumph to triumph.

What I’m Really Good At

Casting down mine enemies from their thrones; drinking mead from their skulls.

Favorite Books, Movies, Shows, Music, and Food

My food is the beaming light of stars, my wine is the lifeblood of rubies.

If perchance I need a respite from rejoicing in my own strength, I enjoy sporting with dragons.

The Six Things I Could Never Do Without

Fool, think I shall discover to you the talismans of my deathless power?

I Spend A Lot of Time Thinking About

The ages of the world I have seen, the ages I shall yet see.

On A Typical Friday Night I Am

Enjoying a long walk on the beach with a nice Chardonnay.


On the second day, a man sent the first message, and it was long

KitchenKing19: Hey,

I was just looking over your profile and I couldn’t help noticing that you seem like a nice girl and I thought why not give it a shot and message her she seems insanely nice. I would like nothing better than to meet you and hang out and see how things go. I know there is an age difference between us but let me tell you something about that. Age is just a number and we are at an evolution in society where we can disregard it. Maybe you would like someone who is mature and stable and knows how to treat a girl right. I was raised with old-fashioned values and I can literally blow your mind, sorry if that sounds corny. You probably want a man and not a boy, I am a man and I can promise you that. Meet me and see for yourself and besides why would I be taking the time and putting so much thought into this deep message. I am a nice guy looking for that special someone and am hoping it can turn into a long term relationship. I don’t play games and I’m all for commitments, if there’s something special there. And on top of that I’m built on chivalry which you don’t see any more and I put my friends and family first. We’re all human and one in the same and what’s life without risks and taking chances. After all neither of us have anything to lose and we could really benefit from it.


On the third day, she decided to answer some messages, and it was a questionable decision.

Insideu: lol i probably have no chance u would never go out with someone like me but hey i at least i can say I messaged you.

ClareMarie: You are correct, peon, I would not sully my luminous immortal body by taking a mortal mate.

However, as you seem most decorously aware of your lowliness, I shall allow you to serve me.

Pluck for me the feathers of swallow, cormorant, jay, and peacock, and in a fan commingle them. You may then use it to refresh my limbs when the languorous heat bedrowses them.


Smarterguy: Hey

Claremarie: Silence, idle babbler.


DanG174: Heu

Claremarie: Heu quibus illeiactatus fatis! quae bella exhausta canebat!


Philliesdude9: Hey what’s up?

Claremarie: If I told you what was up, above your earth, slowly circling that endless darkness, waiting for the appointed time to rain death upon your people, you would beg for the mercy of oblivion.


Brosaurusrex: Just thought you should know your entire profile reads like a self-aggrandizing sociopath.

Claremarie: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


And on the fourth day, dude circled back, and it was unclear what he thought he was accomplishing.

KitchenKing19: Hey I hadn’t heard back from you and was wondering if you had even read my message. I took a lot of time over it and I would like to know what you thought of it and if you’re interested in getting together and seeing where it goes. I am very straightforward and I hate playing games and I would like to know what the situation is going forward if that makes sense.

Claremarie: So sorry I did not answer the very deep and thoughtful message (that you took a lot of time over) within forty-eight hours!

I’m so glad you think that age is just a number, because, as it happens, I am actually 97! I know I lied on my profile, but if you think about it, a lie is just a bunch of letters strung together.

Also happy to know that you’re so sincere and reliable, because I was left at the altar by my scum fiancé and have spent the last 75 years locked up in my moldering ruin of a house, picking at the threads of the rotting wedding dress I have never removed and musing on the treachery of men! So, long story short, very glad to hear you are UPFRONT and STRAIGHTFORWARD and nothing like the rest of your lying vampiric predatory kind.

Rest assured, I hate playing games too, unless the game is “use a beautiful and cruel young woman as a pawn to break the hearts and spirits of men” 😉

Want to meet up?


And on the fifth day she got replies to her replies, and they mostly said “crazy” and “bitch.”

Claremarie:  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


And on the sixth day there were new messages, and they were definitely worth answering

CRB1: u should post more pics

Claremarie: Not so easily shall you steal pieces of my soul to use in your necromancy.


Lerecherchedutemps:  Sadly Claremarie you are not immortal. You must realize how impossible and ridiculous that is. People often think this until they realize all experience is fleeting and the only hope of meaning is in human connection.

Claremarie: whoah u have opened my eyes



PureEuro: What ethnicity are you? You ever been with a European guy before? 😉

Claremarie:  Whatever ethnicity would please you least, wyrm.


PeteinHTown: We’d make for very sexy cuddle buddies.

Claremarie: Until the searing heat of my radiant flesh reduced you to a charred pile of bones.


AS457:  Hey, do you ever let commoners “ride” that “dragon” of yours?

Claremarie: Sure, all the time! Though they usually get devoured by my dragon’s row after row of perfectly pointed, razor sharp, gleaming white teeth.


And on the seventh day, the Rand fan came, and there was nothing left to say

roark_howard: You seem like a strong woman and I’m a strong man. Looking for my Dominique Francon, are you up to the challenge ? 🙂

Claremarie: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯