All Hallow’s Eve is only three weeks away! Still looking for a costume? Do you lack the professional makeup skills to be a zombie? Have you been an elf or Harry Potter character every year since you were eleven? Is being a vampire too trite, Mormon abstinence porn-y, or bloody ridiculous? Think that being a Sexy Ninja Turtle or Sexy Hamburger is just too immodest/absurd/insult to everything good and holy?
Fear not! The Babes are here to salvage your dreams of a spectacular Mischief Night!
10) Una Catrina– Because Mexicans know how to celebrate the Day of the Dead, ok.
Also it involves pretty dresses.
9) St. Polycarp: Assemble three or more friends willing to don a Magicarp costume. Replace the crown with a miter.
8) Go as America’s most
infamous influential Catholic family, The Kennedy Clan! Be sure to include rum-running Joe and give periodic speeches on the separation of Church and state, how your Catholic consciences totally lead you to your positions on abortion, contraception, marital fidelity etc. Actually, no… on second thought, don’t do that- just look pretty and smile.
Extra points if you can pick up a Taylor Swift, Marilyn Monroe, or Terminator during the course of the night.
7) Women’s Liberation/Women’s Health: Dress up as a giant vagina or uterus, create handcuffs and chains out of condoms, smother yourself a pool of hormones and stick a copper rod through yourself. Meanwhile, yell at the top of your lungs about how all this is necessary to escape misogyny and male oppression.
6) Take the prettiest young Irish-American you know (come on- you know who he is), and… persuade him to go as Paul Ryan.
5) Scare the pants right off all the immodest women you see by going as a “pigeon-toed guy with a scaly neck”. (Note: This costume requires that one speak only in Latin.)
4) Stuff yourself and 40 of your closest girlfriends into a minivan and go as Nuns on a Bus!
Don’t forget your polyester, mumus, and copy of Pink Smoke Over the Vatican! (Extra points! Bring a Womynpriest! Or take your show on a boat!)
3) Remind the secular culture that persecution of the Catholic Church has its consequences! Don a mask, grab some gunpowder, dynamite, or other explosives, and walk into the nearest government building as Guy Fawkes!
Disclaimer: Babes in Babylon is in no way responsible if you’re actually stupid enough to do this. Also emulating cyberterrorists is a bajillion times cooler than actual terrorism- cyber or otherwise. Keep it safe and classy, folks
2) If you don’t get out much, have a pasty complexion, and like the idea of the Church Militant, consider a costume as an albino assassin priest- otherwise known as a member of Opus Dei (Dan Brown ed.).
1) Or for something truly terrifying… LITURGICAL PUPPETS OF DOOM